


Deep In The Cell Of My Heart

by Masterofceremonies



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sleep Deprivation, Starvation, The Smiths - Freeform, Trauma, asleep, inspired by a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 14:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10439814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterofceremonies/pseuds/Masterofceremonies
Summary: Instead of Castiel taking Sam's "madness" away, Sam escapes from the hospital and tries his own methods of getting rid of Lucifer.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you like! Or even if you don't! Critisism is welcome.

“You can’t keep going on like this, Sammy.” Lucifer sighed, watching the hunter towel dry his hair from his seat on the bureau.

“Watch me.” Sam shot back, thankful that he didn’t have to prevent himself from replying like he did while in public.

“You’re going to craaash.” Lucifer sang with mock joviality.

“I’ve made it through worse.” Sam muttered, chucking the towel aside and rummaging through his duffle for a pair of sweatpants. He had stopped concerning himself with modesty a while ago. Lucifer was in his head, ergo the angel already knew what he looked like naked. Not to mention that time that Lucifer, the real Lucifer, had disguised himself as Jess and crept into his bed. It had been a dream, but… Sam’s mind supplied the details. That, plus his time in the cage meant real Lucifer knew, _and_ fake Lucifer knew. Scrambling to cover himself just made the angel laugh.

“I’m offended.” Lucifer pressed a hand to his chest over his heart. “Fake? Sammy…” He tsked. “You of all people should know how real I am.”

“My brain thinks you’re real.” Sam tugged on a pair of sweatpants, followed by a tshirt. His hair was still wet, but he didn’t care enough to take the time to fully dry it. Let the shirt catch the runoff, it was clean anyway. “That doesn’t mean you’re actually… you.”

“We’ve been over this before, Sammy.”

That was another thing he’d grown numb to. The angel’s nickname for him, or rather, Dean’s nickname for him that Lucifer had picked up, used to aggravate him beyond belief. Now it just seemed… normal.

“Hey.” Lucifer suddenly appeared in front of him, snapping his fingers. “Pay attention.” Sam blinked slowly, no energy left to flinch or jerk away. “My father. You’re a mess.” Lucifer frowned, like the realization actually upset him.

“Yeah.” Sam flopped down onto the bed, grinding his palms into his eyes. “Thanks to you.”

“Hey, don’t point fingers at me. This is all your work, not mine.” Lucifer gestured to the cheap motel room Sam had holed himself up in for the past week.

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Sam mumbled, a faint echo of annoyance creeping into his voice. That was all he could muster, really.

“I haven’t done anything!” Lucifer sat cross legged on the bed, just close enough to make Sam aware of his presence. “Well, recently anyways.”

“You’re still here.” Sam let his arms fall to the side, eyes dancing with shapes and light before refocusing on the all-too-solid looking man next to him.

“Glad you noticed.” Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Like I said before; I’m not going anywhere. But-” he held up a finger “-I haven’t _done_ anything. Not for a while. You’re just torturing yourself at this point, Sammy, and it’s not as fun to watch as I thought it would be.”

“Don’t flip this around on me.” Sam sat up angrily, the sudden movement causing his vision to swim. “I’m not torturing myself, I’m trying to get rid of you.” He locked his elbows to make sure he didn’t fall back onto the bed and did his best to glare at Lucifer intimidatingly. Like they both didn’t know exactly how weak he was.

“By starving me out?” Lucifer said incredulously. “By forcing yourself to stay awake? It’s been five days without sleep or food. The only thing you’ve done is drink water, stare at the ceiling, and sometimes shower.”

“Boring, isn’t it?” Sam couldn’t help but grin bitterly. “You’re in my head, you feel what I feel, and if I don’t feel anything, neither do you.”

“You feel dizzy and sick and tired.” Lucifer folded his arms.

“Yeah, but I’m not really in pain.” Sam shrugged. “Pain is fun to you. Suffering is fun. This?” He spread his arms, wavering slightly. “Tedious boredom? Numbness? Fogged thoughts and sluggish movements? That’s the real torture. But not to me.” He reached out and poked Lucifer in the chest, not caring about the angel’s reaction anymore. “To you.”

“So you really are trying to starve me out.” Lucifer rolled his eyes, but Sam noticed he looked upset. “What do you think will happen? I’ll cave? Run back to Hell? Fade out of reality because you’re no fun anymore?”

Sam shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. Don’t really care either.” He laid back down, putting his hands behind his head and closing his eyes.

“See, that’s the low blood sugar talking.” Lucifer pouted.

“You’re the only one talking right now besides me.” Sam mumbled.

“You won’t outlast me.” Lucifer snapped. “You can’t outlast me, I’m _you_.”

“Then why are you getting weaker?” Sam asked pointedly.

“Because _you’re_ getting weaker, dumbass.” Lucifer got up and began to pace. Sam sensed this without opening his eyes, the angel irreparably linked to him so that no matter where he was or what he was doing, Sam knew.

“Why do you call me that?” Lucifer asked suddenly.

“Call you what?” Sam just wanted to sleep, but he knew he couldn’t. Prying his eyes open, he sat up and shook his head, forcing himself to stay awake.

“Angel.” Lucifer frowned. “Whenever you think of me, you call me angel.”

“Aren’t you?” Sam asked tiredly.

“I’m not sure.” Lucifer said honestly, watching Sam with newly vested interest. “I haven’t thought of myself as an angel for a long time…”

“You still call the angels your brothers and sisters. And you still call God your father.”

“I can’t change my past or where I came from.” Lucifer shrugged. “That doesn’t mean I’m still who I once was.”

“You’re right about that.” Sam snorted.

Silence fell. Sam’s eyelids drooped so he stood up and went to the bathroom, turning the faucet on and gulping down the cold, stale water that flowed from the tap.

“I wonder what you would’ve thought of me before I fell.” Lucifer murmured, leaning against the doorframe and gazing into the distance. It was Sam’s turn to roll his eyes.

“I didn’t exist back then. Humans didn’t exist back then, so it’s pointless to imagine that anyway.”

“It’s entertaining.” Lucifer waved him off breezily. “That’s point enough.”

“How hedonistic of you.” Sam moved by him, back into the other room. Laying or sitting down was too risky, so he decided to lean against the desk, hands propping him up, elbows locked to ensure he didn’t fall over or black out.

“Is it better or worse to you that I’m not real?” Lucifer asked.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Sam watched him move around the room aimlessly.

“The fact that Lucifer, the real Lucifer, is still trapped in the cage, and I’m only a figment of your twisted little subconscious.” Lucifer twirled his finger in the air near his head, the universal sign for ‘crazy’. “Would it be better or worse if I was the real deal?”

Sam thought for a moment, tempted to remain silent, but Lucifer would know what he was thinking regardless. “I’m not sure. You being not real means you’re not… you. Potentially, that means you’re easier to defeat.”

“Potentially.” Lucifer repeated smugly.

“Yeah, there’s the catch.” Sam nodded, trying to organize his thoughts through the dull fog that followed him constantly nowadays. “You’re basically the first of your kind. Whether that kind is just… a type of crazy, or some new monster, it means there’s no books or spells or scrolls on how to kick your ass out of my head.”

“Lucky me.” Lucifer purred, then rapidly shifted to a lecturing tone. “But that doesn’t mean you should sacrifice yourself just to try and figure it out.”

“What else am I supposed to do?” Sam tossed his hands in the air, tilting slightly before catching himself on the desk and taking a deep breath. “I either stay awake, or you keep me up. I either starve myself, or you put maggots in my food. I either waste away or you drain me until there’s nothing left. Either way, same result.” He clenched his jaw. “And you get what you want.” He spat bitterly.

“You think I want you dead?” Lucifer asked softly. “Oh Sammy… No. Don’t you remember what I said?” He moved closer in a blur, hands suddenly cupping Sam’s face, the cold band of his gold wedding ring contrasted by his strangely warm skin. “I’d never hurt you.” He murmured. “Not really.”

It was moments like these, with Sam’s guard down, physical contact between the two of them, the world fading away in the background, that Lucifer felt the most… real.

“I’m supposed to believe that after everything you did to me?” Sam fought the urge to push Lucifer away, knowing it would only end badly for him.

“That wasn’t me. I’m not me, but I’m becoming more and more like myself, Sammy. That’s why I’ve stopped.” Lucifer smiled.

“You’re not making any sense.” Sam gritted out. “Get your hands off me.”

Lucifer hesitated before dropping his arms and stepping away.

“When I first showed up, I was just… your brain trying to reset itself. You saw flashes of the pit because your mind, or rather, your soul, was still processing what had happened down there. So you compartmentalized. And viola.” He gestured to himself. “There I was, a neat little package of memories taking the form of your supposed torturer.”

“You did torture me.” Sam narrowed his eyes. “I remember-”

“No.” Lucifer cut him off sharply. “You think you remember.”

“You’re going to try and convince me you didn’t touch me in the cage? You didn’t cut into me, scald me, rip me apart to nothing?” It was only when Sam’s voice broke that he realized he’d been yelling.

“Yes.” Lucifer was as calm as ever. “Michael did that. I tried to protect you but… you got caught in the crossfire more often than not.”

“Right.” Sam laughed. “Right. And this version of you was torturing me because…. I’m projecting?”

“Basically.” Lucifer shrugged. “I’m the devil, darling. You want me to be bad. Need me to be bad. But think about it… when we were working on that case together, when you were actually talking to me, when I was helping… did I hurt you?”

Sam froze. Thinking back…. No. He didn’t.

“See?” Lucifer’s moth curled into a triumphant smile. “You know I’m right.”

“Then why… in the hospital, why did you…”

“Your life was crashing down around you.” Lucifer’s smile disappeared. He almost looked… guilty? “I was the scapegoat and the hangman. You didn’t want to live anymore, Sammy. You were doing the same thing you’re doing now. The only difference is that I was the one taking the blame.”

“I don’t want to die.” Sam’s voice came out shaky and hoarse. “I don’t.” He repeated, trying to sound firm.

“I know.” Lucifer nodded, raising his hands like he was trying to calm a spooked animal. “That’s why you broke out. And things got better, didn’t they? You slept. You ate. But I didn’t leave.”

Sam thought back to his escape from the hospital, the days he had spent on the streets, stealing clothes and food to survive. Lucifer had always been there, but silently, for the most part. Watching. Waiting. Sam hadn’t reflected on it much. He had been in survival mode. Being able to bite into a granola bar without bugs crawling out of it, or curl up in an alleyway and sleep without firecrackers going off seemed inconsequential.

A part of him had assumed he was already dead, and this was the best version of Heaven he could get. Some food. Some sleep. Running.

He had accepted it.

But more days passed and Lucifer was still there. Sam’s hair and fingernails stopped falling out. He picked a few pockets, made some cash, and tried to think of a plan. Lucifer started talking again, making him flinch and mutter to himself in public. The stares he got were testament enough that he looked crazy.

It was then that it occurred to him that Lucifer’s silence might have been earned. Maybe he had tipped the scales, gotten so weak his body couldn’t keep up the visage.

So he checked into the cheapest motel he could find and swore to wait it out.

And now….

Now Lucifer was telling him it was all wrong. He had it backwards. His suffering was a product of his own imagination. But then…

“If you’re not really you, why are you telling me this? Shouldn’t you just keep torturing me?”

“If you were still in control.” Lucifer tilted his head to the side. “But you’re not.”

“When was I ever in control?” Sam snapped. “And how did you take it back?”

“You were in control when you were killing yourself. But you didn’t quite go through with it, Sammy. You made the decision to live. You escaped and struggled through, and got stronger. And so did I. Slowly. Bit by bit. I’m becoming more of myself, Sammy. All thanks to you.” Lucifer’s eyes shone with an emotion Sam didn’t want to call gratitude, but there was no other word for how the angel was looking at him.

“Stop talking in riddles and spit it out.”

“You’re my vessel, Sammy. The only place I belong. And when Crowley pulled you out of the cage, a part of me came with you. Just a part. Not enough to be myself, not really, but every moment you stay alive, your soul calls to me. My grace is seeping out of the cracks in the cage.”

Sam felt his stomach drop, his mouth go dry, and his heart thud in his ears.

“You can’t possess me.” He whispered hoarsely. “I didn’t say yes. I never…”

“I’m not possessing you.” Lucifer shook his head. “I’m more… manifesting. You’re not hosting me you’re just… calling. Singing, really.” He smiled. “A beautiful song.”

“No.” Sam clutched at his head, feeling his composure slip away. “You can’t come back. We… we locked you in the cage. You can’t just escape!”

“There’s always a way out, Sammy. You should know that by now.”

His legs gave out from under him and he slid to the floor, trying to keep his breathing even despite the panic that threatened to overtake him. Lucifer watched all of this from a distance, not speaking or moving, just watching, a tinge of concern on his face.

“There’s… there’s no way out for me, though… is there?” Sam asked after he found air enough to do so.

“No.” Lucifer paused. “Not besides the way you think.”

“I don’t want to die.” Sam whimpered, hating himself for showing so much weakness.

“Then don’t.” Lucifer was at his side, helping him up and over to the bed. “Don’t do anything right now. You don’t have to decide today. Or tomorrow.”

“I do have to decide, though.” He sunk onto the mattress heavily.

“Eventually.” Lucifer shrugged. “In a year or two or ten.”

“You can’t… leave. It’s not that you won’t, you just… can’t.” Sam laid down, finding the covers already pulled back, allowing him to slip underneath them. Lucifer nodded, pulling the covers around Sam with a strangely maternal gesture. “If I die, you die, right?”

“Right.” Lucifer smiled. “If we go, we go together.”

“Back to the cage?” Sam felt nauseous at the thought, but Lucifer shook his head.

“I go back. You go… on.”

“To heaven?”

“That’s my best guess, yeah.” Lucifer smiled again, this time worriedly. “I’ve got just as much hinging on this as you, Sammy. Probably more.” He paused, looking as vulnerable as Sam had ever seen him. “I don’t want to go back.”

“You need me alive.” Sam mumbled, feeling his eyelids droop.

“Yes. Really alive, not half starved and sleep deprived.”

Sam felt the lights go out, but he didn’t see Lucifer move to turn them off. His eyes were already shut, and he could feel himself giving in to sleep. It was easier than he thought to just…

 

Let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Sing me to sleep  
> I'm tired and I  
> I want to go to bed
> 
> Sing me to sleep  
> And then leave me alone  
> Don't try to wake me in the morning  
> 'Cause I will be gone  
> Don't feel bad for me  
> I want you to know  
> Deep in the cell of my heart  
> I will feel so glad to go
> 
> Sing me to sleep  
> I don't want to wake up  
> On my own anymore
> 
> There is another world  
> There is a better world  
> Well, there must be  
> Well...
> 
> Bye...


End file.
